Healing Your Inner Child : Understanding How Childhood Feelings Can Stay With Us
Something happened a long time ago, yet it still stays with you.
A small criticism feels more painful than you expected.
Someone becoming distant leaves you unusually anxious.
Or perhaps you find it difficult to ask for help or say what you need, so you end up dealing with everything on your own.
At times like these, you might find yourself wondering, Why does this affect me so much?
One way of exploring that question is through the idea of the inner child.
Healing your inner child does not mean erasing the past or searching for childhood memories until you find an explanation for how you feel today.
It can begin much more simply:
by noticing feelings that may have stayed with you from earlier in life, and becoming curious about what your younger self might have been feeling at the time.
In doing so, you may begin to understand not only the child you once were, but also something about the person you are now.
What do we mean by the ‘inner child’?
The term ‘inner child’ is used to describe the childhood feelings, memories and unmet emotional needs that we may continue to carry with us into adult life.
For some people, the phrase can sound spiritual. It is also used in spiritual contexts, but that is not how I am using it here.
I am not suggesting that there is literally a separate child living somewhere inside us.
Instead, I use the idea as one way of thinking about the connection between our earlier emotional experiences and how we sometimes feel and respond in the present.
As children, we may have felt lonely, frightened, sad or anxious without having the words to explain what was happening inside us.
Perhaps what we really wanted was:
I want you to understand how I feel.
I want you to stay with me.
I want to feel safe.
Those feelings do not necessarily disappear simply because we grow older.
Sometimes they remain quietly in the background, without us consciously recognising them.
You can have been loved and still carry feelings from childhood
It can be easy to assume that inner child work is only relevant to people who had particularly difficult childhoods.
That has not been my own experience.
I grew up knowing that my parents loved me.
My father worked long hours and was rarely at home during the week.
I mostly saw him at weekends, but he would sometimes go out to play golf or spend time reading the newspaper at home.
I was very much a ‘Daddy’s girl’, and looking back, I think I simply wanted more time with him.
I did not have the words to call that loneliness at the time.
My mother cared deeply about me too, although she was strict about education, and there were times when I was told off about my schoolwork.
I also remember falling out with friends at school and feeling lonely.
From the outside, none of these experiences might appear particularly significant.
For a long time, I did not think they were either.
It was only when I began training in counselling and learnt about the inner child that I started to look at some of these memories differently.
I found myself thinking:
Perhaps I was lonely then.
Perhaps I wanted to be noticed a little more.
Recognising those feelings did not mean deciding that my parents had not loved me.
Both things could be true:
I could have been loved and cared for, and the child I was could still have felt lonely at times.
Not everyone, however, can look back on childhood and feel that they were loved and cared for.
Some people grew up without anyone being there when they most needed comfort.
Some did not feel that their emotions were heard or taken seriously.
Others may have experienced criticism, rejection or hurt within the very relationships in which they needed to feel safe.
For someone with those experiences, turning towards their younger self may not feel easy.
There is no need to dismiss those feelings with That was years ago, or to criticise yourself for still being affected by something that happened in childhood.
We cannot change what happened in the past.
But we can begin to notice feelings that may never have had space to be expressed or understood, and meet them now with greater care and compassion.
When childhood feelings show up in adult life
Childhood experiences do not simply determine who we become as adults.
But feelings that were difficult to understand or express when we were young can sometimes influence how we experience ourselves and our relationships later in life.
You might notice, for example, that:
a delayed reply from someone makes you much more anxious than you expected
disagreement feels like rejection of you as a person
you want help but cannot bring yourself to ask because you do not want to be a burden
you struggle to say no because you are afraid someone will think badly of you
when somebody becomes emotionally close, part of you wants to pull away
None of these reactions automatically means that something in your childhood caused them.
But when you find yourself thinking, Why am I reacting so strongly to this?, it can sometimes be helpful to look not only at what is happening now, but also at what you have experienced before.
Living abroad can add another dimension to this.
When you move away from familiar surroundings, the relationships and sources of support that once felt readily available may no longer be close by.
Differences in language can make it harder to express what you really want to say. There may be times when you would like to ask someone for help, but instead feel that you have to manage things on your own.
And when you are living far from family or people who know you well, there may be moments when loneliness feels unexpectedly strong.
At times like these, it can be worth pausing and wondering, Is this feeling only about what is happening now?
You may notice that you have felt a similar kind of loneliness or anxiety before.
That does not necessarily mean that what you are feeling now is connected to something from childhood. But using the emotion you are experiencing in the present as a starting point, and gently considering when you may have felt something similar before, can offer another way of understanding yourself.
How might the inner child relate to attachment?
Another way of thinking about childhood experiences and adult relationships is through attachment.
Attachment is concerned, in part, with how we experience safety and connection through our early relationships with the people who care for us.
A child may long for someone to stay close, understand what they are feeling, or help them feel safe, without being able to put those needs into words.
Later in life, earlier experiences of closeness and safety may sometimes be reflected in how we respond to emotional distance or intimacy in our adult relationships.
For example, distance from someone important might feel particularly unsettling. For somebody else, too much closeness might feel uncomfortable.
Looking at your inner child and learning about attachment can both offer useful ways of understanding the question, Why do I feel this way?
Healing your inner child is not about erasing the past
The word ‘healing’ can suggest reaching a point where painful memories disappear or no longer affect us.
That is not what I mean here.
For me, healing your inner child is less about removing the past and more about beginning to understand and acknowledge what you felt at the time.
You might find yourself thinking:
It wasn't really that bad.
Other people had much more difficult childhoods.
My parents loved me, so I shouldn't feel this way.
But we do not need to compare our experiences with someone else's in order to acknowledge how something felt to us.
You can know that your parents loved you and still recognise, I felt lonely then.
And if you did not receive the care or emotional safety you needed, you do not have to minimise that pain simply because the people involved were family.
The purpose is not necessarily to find someone to blame.
It is to be able to say to the younger version of yourself:
That was how you felt then.
I can see that now.
Sometimes, being able to recognise our experience in this way can begin to change the relationship we have with ourselves.
Ways to begin healing your inner child
Inner child work does not have to involve a particular technique or an intensive search through your past.
You can begin by paying a little more attention to what you are feeling in the present.
Write down what you are feeling now
When something leaves you unusually hurt, anxious or angry, try pausing for a moment and asking:
What am I feeling right now?
Writing it down can sometimes make an emotion easier to recognise than simply thinking about it.
You do not need to analyse it or find an explanation immediately. The first step may simply be noticing what is there.
Ask ‘What am I feeling?’ before ‘Why am I like this?’
When we have a strong emotional reaction, it is easy to move quickly into self-analysis:
Why am I so upset about this?
Why can't I just let it go?
Instead, you might try asking:
What am I actually feeling?
What did I want or need in that moment?
Then, gently consider whether you have felt something similar before.
Have I felt this kind of loneliness before?
When do I remember feeling this way?
Who was I with, and what was happening?
There may be no immediate answer, and there does not need to be.
If a childhood memory or a picture of your younger self comes to mind, you might become curious about that child:
What was I feeling then?
What did I wish someone had done?
What might have helped me feel safer?
The aim is not to search for a memory and decide that it explains everything.
Rather, the emotion you are experiencing now can sometimes become a doorway into recognising an earlier version of yourself who may have felt something similar, but did not yet have the words to express it.
Speak to your younger self with kindness
If a memory or image of your younger self comes to mind, you might try speaking to that child from the perspective of the adult you are today.
You might say:
You were lonely then.
You really wanted them to spend more time with you.
You were frightened.
Rather than correcting or explaining the feeling, simply acknowledge it.
You might then say:
You're safe with me.
I'm here with you, and I'm not going to leave you.
If it feels natural, imagine gently holding or embracing your younger self.
You do not have to say anything else.
You can simply stay beside that child for a moment.
There is no particular response you are supposed to have. You might feel emotional, or you might feel very little. Neither reaction means you are doing it correctly or incorrectly.
What matters is not trying to produce a certain feeling, but allowing the younger version of yourself to be met with the care and attention that may have been missing at the time.
If it becomes too much, you can stop
Looking back can sometimes bring up stronger feelings than we expect.
There is no need to push yourself to remember more or continue because you think you ‘should’.
Recognising This feels too much for me right now and choosing to stop can itself be a way of taking care of yourself.
Learning to stay on your own side
As we begin to respond differently to our younger selves, another idea can emerge: we are also the person who will continue living alongside ourselves throughout our lives.
Relationships matter. Being cared for by others matters. Asking for help and allowing ourselves to receive support matter too.
But we can also learn to listen to our own feelings, not abandon ourselves when things become difficult, and remain on our own side.
When you tell your younger self,
You're safe with me.
I'm here with you, and I'm not going to leave you.
you are not only offering comfort to a memory from the past.
You may also be saying something to the person you are now:
I won't ignore what I'm feeling.
When things are difficult, I will try to stay with myself rather than turn against myself.
Even the people who care about us most will not always understand exactly how we feel.
When that happens, we do not have to abandon our own feelings as well.
When we are sad, we can acknowledge, That hurt.
When we are frightened, we can recognise, I was scared.
When something affects us deeply, we can allow the feeling to exist without immediately judging ourselves for having it.
Working with the inner child is not about spending our lives looking backwards at old wounds.
It can also help us gradually develop a safer, more compassionate relationship with ourselves.
🌿 Putting into words what has stayed with you
You do not need to be able to explain your childhood neatly.
Perhaps you find yourself thinking:
Nothing particularly terrible happened, so why does this still stay with me?
Or:
Thinking about my childhood still feels painful.
Or perhaps:
I don't really understand why I react this way.
That can be enough of a place to begin talking.
Counselling is not about forcing an explanation from the past or deciding, This is the kind of person you are.
It can be a space to notice what you are feeling now, and gradually put words around experiences or emotions that may have been difficult to express before.
Is there something from your childhood that, for reasons you cannot quite explain, has stayed with you?
At Locus of Life, I offer counselling for people navigating the emotional experience of living abroad, relationships, and questions about themselves.
It is a space where you can talk through what you are feeling at your own pace, without pressure to have everything understood before you begin.
If you would like to talk, you can begin with a free 30-minute online session.
[🔽 Book your free 30-minute online session here]
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