Why Living Abroad Can Affect Your Confidence: The Language Barrier and Self-Esteem
- Locus of Life
- May 1
- 9 min read
Have you ever had a day abroad when you struggled to speak English, could not join in a conversation, and then felt unexpectedly low afterwards?
Perhaps you had something you wanted to say, but could not say it.
Perhaps you could not quite follow what someone was saying in the moment.
Perhaps you found yourself replaying the conversation later, feeling embarrassed by how limited you sounded.
When that happens, the pain is not only about language itself. It can feel as though, because your words did not come out the way you wanted, you somehow became smaller too.
That feeling can quietly wear you down.
When we talk about language difficulties abroad, they are often treated as if they are simply a matter of skill.
But in reality, the link between the language barrier and self-esteem can run much deeper than people realise. It can affect relationships, confidence, and even your sense of who you are.
In this article, I want to gently explore why living abroad can sometimes make you feel smaller, and why that experience is often much deeper than it first appears.
Do you ever feel smaller when living abroad?
When you live in another language and another culture, even small moments can stay with you.
You may find that:
- you cannot keep up with the pace of conversation
- the words you need do not come quickly enough
- something simple becomes surprisingly hard to explain
- you miss a joke or a nuance and feel left behind
- you go over a conversation afterwards, worrying that you sounded strange
When these moments build up, it is easy to start feeling that you are somehow not enough. That because you cannot express yourself well, your value has somehow become smaller too.
But this is not simply about ability.
The more strongly you want to be understood, to belong, and to feel equal, the more easily the language barrier can begin to feel personal. It can start to feel as though the problem is not just the language, but you.
The pain is not just about speaking imperfectly
When words do not come, your sense of worth can take the hit
In your first language, you may be able to speak naturally, think clearly, and express yourself with ease. In another language, you may only be able to say half of what you mean.
That frustration is not just inconvenience.
Often, what hurts most is not simply that the words are missing, but that you begin to feel ashamed of the version of yourself who cannot speak as fully as you want to. You may start to feel inadequate, less capable, or even somehow less worthy.
So each time you struggle in conversation, it is not just your language that feels limited. Your self-worth can start to feel shaken too.
Staying quiet or steering the conversation may be a way of protecting yourself
In my own case, when I first came to the UK, I spent a long time feeling intimidated by the fact that I could not speak English fluently like a native speaker.
Whenever I was talking with people, I tended to do one of two things. Either I would stay as quiet as possible, or I would introduce topics myself and try to guide the conversation towards something I felt more comfortable talking about.
Looking back, I do not think that was simply my personality. I think it was a way of protecting myself from the pain of feeling exposed.
Staying quiet can be a form of self-protection. Trying to control the flow of conversation can be too.
Both can come from the same place: I do not want to feel embarrassed again. I do not want to feel small. I do not want to feel as though I am not on equal footing.
If you recognise something similar in yourself, you do not need to blame yourself for it. It may be your mind’s way of trying to protect you after many difficult moments.
Sometimes we try too hard to be accepted by everyone
At one point, someone said something to me that stayed with me.
They said, “What is wrong with not speaking English fluently? We native speakers only speak English. You speak Japanese, and you also speak English. So why should you feel inferior?”
That stopped me in my tracks.
I realised then that what had been hurting me was not simply the fact that I was not fluent. It was that I had made that mean something about my worth. I had decided, without fully noticing it, that speaking imperfect English meant there was something wrong with me.
That was the part that hurt most.
From then on, I slowly began to let myself say, “I don’t understand,” when I needed to. I began to believe that it was all right to speak slowly, within the limits of what I could say at that moment.
And I also began to think: if someone dislikes me because of that, perhaps that is all right too.
Looking back, I think I may have been trying far too hard to be accepted by everyone. I wanted to make up for the language barrier by seeming capable, easy to talk to, and never awkward.
But it was exhausting.
Why the language barrier can affect self-esteem so deeply
It can feel as though your real self is not coming across
The connection between the language barrier and self-esteem is often easy to overlook, especially when people assume language is only a practical issue.
When you cannot use language freely, it can feel as though important parts of you are not reaching other people.
Your humour.
Your warmth.
Your intelligence.
Your sensitivity.
Your depth.
You may know that all of that is still there. But if you cannot express it in the way you would in your first language, it can feel as though the real you is somehow hidden.
When that feeling goes on for long enough, it can become harder to stay connected to your sense of self.
Even saying “I don’t understand” can start to feel shameful
There are times when all you need to say is, “Sorry, could you say that again?”
But even that can feel difficult.
Not because the sentence itself is hard, but because of everything it can seem to mean.
They might think I should have understood.
They might think I am slow.
I might interrupt the flow of the conversation.
I might make things awkward again.
Over time, even a small moment of not understanding can begin to carry shame. And when that happens often enough, conversation itself can start to feel unsafe.
Close relationships can feel even more painful
The language barrier does not always hurt most in practical situations. Sometimes it hurts more in close relationships — with a partner, a friend, or family.
That is because the closer someone is to you, the more deeply you want to be understood by them. You want to feel seen properly. You want to feel equal. You want the subtlety of your feelings to come across.
So when you cannot express yourself fully with someone who matters to you, it can feel especially painful. You may worry that you sound childish, flat, or much simpler than you really are.
Those experiences can quietly affect self-esteem within relationships too.
What helps when the language barrier makes you feel small
Simply living in another language takes far more energy than people realise
When we are struggling with language, we often focus only on the moments when we could not say something well enough.
But I think it helps to step back and notice something else.
In my own experience, when I listen to English, I have to concentrate for it to go in properly. If I am not fully focused, English can turn into something like background noise.
Japanese, my first language, is completely different. Even when I am not trying to listen closely, it still comes into my mind naturally.
That difference tells me something important.
It means that simply living in a language that is not your first language takes energy. A lot of energy.
It is not only speaking that requires effort. Listening does too. Processing does too. Being surrounded by that language all day does too.
That is also why I can relax when I watch television in Japanese, but do not feel relaxed in the same way when I watch television in English. Even then, part of me is still working.
You may know this feeling too.
So before you criticise yourself for not speaking well enough, it may help to remember this: you are already using a great deal of mental and emotional energy simply by living in that environment.
That in itself is effort. That in itself is something.
Try to see it as a state, not a flaw
If you keep seeing your difficulty with language as a personal flaw, you may end up hurting yourself after every conversation.
But perhaps it is kinder — and more accurate — to see it for what it is: a state you are in, in a particular environment, under particular demands.
Struggling to express yourself in another language is not a character defect. It does not define your worth. It does not tell the truth about who you are.
It simply reflects the reality of living and functioning in a language that is not your own.
You are not limited as a person just because your words feel limited in the moment.
You are allowed to choose relationships where you do not have to force yourself
When you feel insecure about language, it is very easy to overcompensate.
To try to be pleasant, capable, easy, unproblematic.
To try not to be disliked.
To try not to make anyone uncomfortable.
But relationships that require constant effort and self-editing can become deeply tiring.
What matters is not being liked by everyone. What matters is having at least some relationships in which you do not have to push yourself so hard.
People with whom you do not have to sound perfect.
People who do not rush you.
People with whom you do not feel you must perform.
People who try to see you, not just your level of English.
Those relationships can become an important place of rest.
A safe space can help you feel like yourself again
If language has been a source of embarrassment or strain for a long time, it makes sense that you may feel pressure to “speak properly”.
That is why a safe space matters so much.
A space where you are not being judged.
A space where you are not rushed.
A space where it is all right if your words come slowly, or imperfectly, or not at all at first.
In that kind of space, people often begin to reconnect with something very important: the feeling that they are allowed to exist as they are.
And that feeling can quietly begin to support self-esteem again.
In the end, your worth does not become smaller just because your words do
If living abroad has left you feeling smaller, please know that you are not alone.
Often, it is not only the language itself that hurts. It is what we begin to believe about ourselves when we cannot express ourselves as we want to.
When not speaking well starts to feel shameful, we may protect ourselves by going quiet, by trying too hard, or by working endlessly to be accepted.
But underneath those reactions, there is usually something very human: a wish to connect, a wish to be understood, a wish to feel equal.
If this is where you are right now, I hope you can begin by reminding yourself of one thing:
It makes sense that this feels painful.
And your worth has not become smaller just because your English is not perfect.
Your words may feel limited sometimes.
But you are not limited.
You may not always be able to express everything clearly.
But what exists inside you has not disappeared.
You are allowed to take up space, even when your language is imperfect.
You are allowed to connect with others, even slowly.
And little by little, I hope you can begin to remember this:
you do not have to speak perfectly to be worthy of being heard.
🌿 A small first step for you: a free 30-minute online session
You may be reading this and thinking:
“Is this really something I can talk to someone about?”
“I’m not sure I could explain it properly.”
“My feelings still feel too unclear.”
If so, you are not alone.
People who have been coping on their own for a long time — especially while living abroad — often find it hardest to reach out. They tell themselves it is not serious enough, or that they should be managing better by now.
But you do not need to have everything neatly organised before you talk to me.
You do not need to explain it perfectly.
And it does not have to feel “serious enough” to matter.
You can talk about English.
You can talk about relationships.
You can talk about the feeling of losing confidence while living abroad.
You can talk about the sadness of not feeling like yourself.
You can talk about the exhaustion of trying too hard.
Even if it still feels unclear, that is okay.
This free 30-minute online session is simply a gentle, pressure-free space where you can begin to put things into words at your own pace.
If, at some point, you find yourself thinking, “Maybe I’d like to talk to someone, just a little,” you are very welcome to come.
[🔽 Click here to book your free 30-minute online session]
If you would simply like to get a sense of the atmosphere first, or if you are still unsure, that is completely all right too.
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