Why Do I Feel Anxious Even with a Secure Attachment Style? Self-Blame, Parenting Anxiety, and Emotional Waves
- Locus of Life
- Jul 11, 2025
- 5 min read
Updated: 4 hours ago
Introduction | When you are “secure” but still feel anxious
Have you ever thought:
“I was told I have a secure attachment style, so why do I still feel anxious in relationships or parenting?”
Or perhaps:
“People see me as stable, but internally I feel emotional waves I don’t fully understand.”
If so, you are not alone.
As a Japanese counsellor based in the UK, I also identify primarily with a “secure” attachment style. However, living in the UK, raising a child, and navigating cross-cultural relationships has repeatedly brought moments of deep anxiety and fluctuations in self-worth.
In this article, I will share my personal experience—including my son’s emotional difficulties and the challenges of language barriers—to explore why even those with a secure attachment style can experience anxiety, self-blame, and emotional instability.
Understanding secure attachment anxiety: The hidden emotional waves
I generally consider myself to have a secure attachment style.
However, there are moments when an anxious attachment response quietly emerges.
It is not like a storm.Rather, it feels like small ripples on the surface of water—subtle, but undeniably present beneath the surface.
How secure attachment anxiety triggers the fear of rejection
For example, in relationships, I sometimes notice thoughts such as:
“Am I truly accepted by this person?”
“Will they eventually leave me?”
In such moments, I may unconsciously begin to “test” the other person’s affection, or become overly self-critical.
These emotional responses are moments when an anxious attachment pattern briefly comes to the surface.
Even when we are generally secure, there can still be quiet emotional waves within us.
This is part of being human.
For this reason, I believe it is important to acknowledge these feelings without judgement, and to respond to them with gentleness rather than criticism.
No one is perfectly stable all the time.These moments of anxiety are also part of who I am.
What my son's emotional difficulties taught me about self-blame
Recently, my son suddenly became emotionally withdrawn and stopped attending school.
He stopped responding, avoided eye contact, and even getting out of bed became difficult.
At first, I was overwhelmed with worry.
But gradually, that worry transformed into something heavier:
“This must be my fault.”
“I should have noticed earlier.”
“His suffering must be due to my parenting.”
Looking back, I can now see that this was a self-blaming response commonly associated with anxious attachment patterns.
Language barriers and the pressure to be a "good mother"
Another important factor in my experience is language.
I speak Japanese, while my son feels most comfortable in English.
When he speaks English, I must concentrate deeply to fully understand the nuances of what he is saying. It requires far more emotional and cognitive energy than many people realise.
Although I believed I was listening carefully, there were moments I may have missed.
One day, my son said to me:
“Mummy doesn’t listen to me.”
Those words struck me deeply.
In that moment, I felt a sharp emotional pain, followed by intense self-doubt:
“Am I failing as a mother?”
“What more should I be doing?”
“How can I make my love understood?”
This is how emotional distance or miscommunication in close relationships can trigger deep self-blame and anxiety.
From "I must do this prperly" to "I will trust"
At that point, I began to consciously shift my approach.
Rather than focusing on “doing things correctly”, I started prioritising emotional attunement—being present with my son’s feelings.
I also made an important internal shift, from anxiety to trust.
“I trust my son.”
“I trust his ability to cope.”
“I am okay too.”
Lettin go of assumptions in parenting
I also began to let go of assumptions such as the idea that teenage boys naturally stop talking to their mothers.
I realised that this belief was not helping me stay emotionally present. Instead, it was adding distance and anxiety where connection was needed.
Choosing presence over perfection
Instead, I focused on showing my son through my presence and daily actions:
“I am here.”
“I am listening.”
“I am emotionally available.”
It was no longer about saying or doing things perfectly, but about consistently offering emotional safety and presence.
Over time, this shift helped me feel more grounded in my relationship with him, even in moments of uncertainty.
Living alongside my own small emotional waves
Today, I am no longer overwhelmed by anxiety in the same way I once was.
The anxiety has not disappeared completely, but I now notice it earlier.
“I see that anxiety is here.”
And instead of judging myself, I can gently acknowledge it:
“This is also part of me.”
There are moments when I want to withdraw from others, or feel uncertain about my need for closeness and reassurance.
In those moments, I try to listen to my inner emotional state rather than suppress it.
Because I have come to understand that this process of self-awareness is also the first step towards healthier relationships with others.
🌿 A Gentle Next Step: Your Free 30-Minute Online Consultation
Some of you reading this may, like me, be carrying emotional ups and downs and uncertainty in your parenting journey.
Especially when living abroad and navigating language barriers, those uncertainties can easily turn into self-blame and the feeling that you have to get everything right.
Please know that feeling anxious or blaming yourself is not a sign of weakness.It is often a reflection of how deeply you care about the people you love.
And yet, carrying those feelings on your own can be incredibly exhausting.Even if part of you is considering reaching out, it is completely natural to feel hesitant.
You do not need to have your feelings neatly sorted before we speak.It is enough to come with thoughts that are still hard to put into words, such as, “I am losing confidence as a mother,” or “I feel emotionally unsteady.”
This free 30-minute initial session offers a gentle, confidential, and supportive space where you can pause, take a breath, and move at your own pace.
If any of the following resonates with you, this session may be a helpful place to begin:
You experience sudden waves of anxiety or self-blame, even though you think of yourself as having a secure attachment style
You feel lonely or under pressure while navigating parenting abroad and language barriers
You feel emotionally drained from trying so hard to hold everything together
You would like to better understand your emotional ups and downs or attachment style
It is absolutely okay if your thoughts are not yet clear, or if you find it difficult to speak.We can begin where you are and gently make sense of things together.
If you find yourself thinking, “I would like to feel a little more at ease and more like myself,”please know that I will be here whenever you feel ready.
[ 🔽 Book your free 30-minute online consultation here ]
You are very welcome to get a feel for the space, even if you are still unsure about talking.
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