Living Abroad and Belonging: The Quiet Loneliness of Living Between Cultures
- Locus of Life
- May 22
- 5 min read
Living abroad can sometimes bring a quiet question to the surface:
"Where do I actually belong?"
You slowly become used to life in a new country.
Your language skills improve.
From the outside, it may seem as though you are settling in well.
But somewhere inside, something still feels unsettled.
You join in conversations.
You spend time with others.
You laugh.
And yet, there can still be a feeling that you do not fully belong where you are.
For many years, I carried that feeling with me while living in the UK, often without fully realising it.
Feeling Like You Are Slightly Outside the Circle
Living abroad can sometimes create the feeling that you are somehow different from everyone around you.
You talk with people.
You interact normally.
Nothing is obviously wrong.
Yet somehow, you still feel slightly outside the circle.
Not because anyone has treated you badly.
In many cases, the people around you may be kind and welcoming.
But small differences begin to build quietly over time — differences in culture, upbringing, communication styles, and unspoken expectations.
Something that feels natural in one culture may feel uncomfortable in another.
Something that once felt natural to you may suddenly feel like too much, or not quite enough.
These small differences often appear insignificant on their own.
Yet over time, they can leave you wondering:
"Am I really fitting in here?"
For me, it was often the subtle things — distance between people, social cues, and unspoken rules.
Things I had learned naturally while growing up no longer worked in the same way.
"Was my response strange?"
"Did I misunderstand the situation?"
"Did I say too much?"
Without noticing it, I spent a long time feeling slightly tense.
And eventually I realised that what felt painful was not simply cultural difference itself.
It was the feeling of never fully belonging anywhere.
You can be surrounded by people and still feel alone.
And that feeling does not always disappear when you return home.
Returning Home and Still Feeling Out of Place
For a long time, I thought that returning to Japan would make me feel more settled.
I thought home would feel like home again.
But when I actually returned, something still felt different.
I met old friends.
I heard familiar Japanese around me.
The atmosphere of convenience stores, trains, and everyday life felt strangely familiar.
And yet, I still felt slightly out of place.
I remember meeting friends and realising they had brought thoughtful little gifts.
Their kindness felt warm and familiar.
But after becoming used to life in the UK, I had arrived empty-handed without thinking much about it.
In that moment, I suddenly realised that something inside me had quietly changed.
I felt embarrassed.
And I remember thinking:
"Perhaps I no longer fit in here either."
Over time, I had slowly moved away from things that once felt natural.
At other times, I found myself reacting in the opposite way.
While living abroad, I often missed the care and thoughtfulness I associated with Japan.
Yet when I returned, that same attentiveness sometimes felt overwhelming.
And then I noticed something else.
I had started looking at Japan with the same critical distance that I sometimes felt while living abroad.
At times I wondered:
"Why do I seem to feel dissatisfied wherever I go?"
Looking back now, I do not think it was selfishness.
I think I was simply living between two worlds.
And somewhere along the way, I had changed too.
To people in Japan, I had become "someone living abroad".
But abroad, I was still often "the foreigner".
Not fully belonging in either place created a quiet loneliness that felt difficult to explain.
When You No Longer Know Where Home Is
As time passes, the lives of people around us continue to change.
And we change too.
Friends build families.
People move away.
Life moves forward.
And slowly, we realise that we are no longer the same person who first left home.
Perhaps I was not trying to return to where I came from.
Perhaps I was trying to find somewhere new to belong.
At the time, that felt frightening.
Not fully fitting in anywhere.
Not having somewhere that felt completely safe.
That feeling can be more exhausting than we realise.
Because when we do not feel we belong somewhere, we often remain tense without noticing it.
Some try harder to blend in.
Some become overly accommodating.
Some slowly lose touch with their own feelings.
Because losing our sense of belonging can feel deeply unsettling.
What I Really Needed Was Not to Fit In Perfectly
For a long time, I believed that I simply needed to adapt better.
In the UK.
In Japan.
Wherever I was.
I wanted to become someone who could fit in naturally.
Someone who would not seem difficult.
Someone who would not make others uncomfortable.
So I adjusted.
I read the room.
I prioritised fitting in over listening to myself.
And little by little, I stopped noticing what I was actually feeling.
I said I was fine when I felt exhausted.
I told myself I was okay when I felt lonely.
I dismissed discomfort by assuming I was simply overthinking things.
Without realising it, putting myself second had become normal.
But looking back now, I realise that what I truly needed was not perfect adaptation.
What I needed was this:
"I am allowed to be here."
A sense of safety.
A feeling that I did not need to disappear in order to belong.
People can still connect even when they do not understand everything about each other.
We do not need to fit perfectly into one culture or another.
Slowly, I began to see belonging differently.
Belonging is not about fitting perfectly somewhere.
For me, belonging became something much quieter:
"Being able to feel safe enough to be yourself."
Finding Belonging While Living Abroad
Many people living abroad find themselves wondering:
"What does belonging actually mean to me?"
Belonging may not always be about a country.
Sometimes it can be much smaller than that.
Someone you can speak honestly with.
A place where you can relax.
Moments where your feelings do not need to be defended.
These small experiences of safety can slowly become the feeling of:
"I am allowed to be here."
Living abroad often means carrying more than we realise.
Even when life looks fine from the outside, part of us may still be quietly searching for somewhere that feels safe.
Perhaps that is why it can sometimes help to pause and ask ourselves:
"Do I feel safe where I am right now?"
If you have ever felt that you do not completely belong anywhere...
If returning home no longer feels entirely like returning home...
You are not alone.
Living between cultures takes more energy than we often realise.
I hope this article has offered you a small place to pause and breathe.
Locus of Life values the emotional experiences that can arise around relationships, belonging, and the quiet shifts that happen while living abroad.
If at some point you feel that you would like support, you are always welcome to get in touch.
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