It's More Than Homesickness: The Complex Feelings of Wanting to Go Home While Living Abroad
- Locus of Life
- May 29
- 5 min read
"I want to go home."
When you live abroad, that feeling can appear unexpectedly.
What we often describe as homesickness while living abroad can seem straightforward at first.
Yet beneath those words, there is often something far more complex.
For a long time, I wondered if it was just me.
But when I speak with people who have spent many years living outside their home country,
I realise that it is more common than we think.
And yet, something about it feels strange.
You miss home, but when returning starts becoming real — when flights are searched, dates are discussed, plans begin taking shape — suddenly your heart feels heavy.
I have felt this myself while living in the UK.
This year was another example.
I usually try to visit Japan every two years, but this time my son's school events made it difficult to decide on dates.
Then the situation in the Middle East became unstable, and flight prices rose significantly.
In the end, my summer trip home was postponed until next year.
But looking back now, I think I had already been hesitating long before that.
Even though, in my heart, I wanted to go home.
Why?
Homesickness While Living Abroad Is Not Always About Going Home
Looking back, I think there were several small fears quietly sitting underneath it all.
Maybe I would feel different when I returned.
Maybe I would feel like I no longer fit in, even in the country where I was born.
Maybe I was afraid of leaving my ageing mother behind again and returning to my life here.
Maybe I was afraid of another goodbye at the airport.
None of these fears existed on their own.
They seemed to sit together, layered on top of one another.
When we say "I want to go home", we sometimes think of it as simple homesickness.
But human emotions are rarely that simple.
The wish to return and the fear of returning can exist at the same time.
These feelings are not contradictions.
In psychology, people can hold two opposite emotional needs at once — a desire for safety and connection, alongside a desire to avoid loss or change.
We want to move closer, yet we also want to step away.
We want comfort, yet we do not want to be hurt.
Perhaps feeling this way simply reflects how deeply you have tried to build a life — both where you are now and in the places you have come from.
Going Back Was Never Just About Moving Countries
When I went through my divorce, I seriously considered returning permanently to Japan with my son.
I even applied through the court process to make that happen.
But once I began thinking realistically, everything suddenly became unclear.
My son's education.
Where we would live.
Work.
My own future.
The more I thought about it, the more I found myself wondering:
"Do I really want to go back?"
Eventually, it did not happen.
The court encouraged me to think about my son's situation, and my former husband opposed the move.
But looking back now, I remember something unexpected.
Part of me felt relieved.
Years earlier, when I left Japan after getting married, I had made a quiet promise to myself at Narita Airport:
"I will never regret this decision."
"I am not leaving with the intention of coming back."
I was young, and I think I wanted to believe completely in the life I had chosen.
So perhaps when I later considered returning, I was facing something much bigger than practical questions.
Perhaps I was facing a promise I had once made to myself.
Sometimes We Live Inside Stories We Have Created About Ourselves
Psychology suggests that we all carry personal narratives about who we are.
"This is who I am."
"This is the kind of life I live."
"These are the choices I made."
These stories can support us.
They help us move forward during difficult times.
But sometimes, they can also quietly trap us.
Because people change.
The person I was in my twenties is not the person I am now.
As life changes, the things we need and the way we see the world also change.
Yet the promises made by our younger selves sometimes remain untouched.
And without realising it, those old promises can start making life feel heavier.
What We May Actually Be Searching For
Now I sometimes wonder:
Was it really Japan that I wanted?
Or was it something else?
Perhaps what we call homesickness while living abroad is not always about a place.
Sometimes, it is a longing for a sense of belonging.
Perhaps what we long for is not a place, but a feeling.
The feeling of not having to keep trying so hard
The comfort of being understood without explanation
The feeling that says, "You're okay exactly as you are"
When we live abroad for a long time, the words "I want to go home" can carry many different things within them — loneliness, exhaustion, grief, uncertainty, comfort, longing.
They overlap like soft gradients.
Perhaps that is why these feelings can be so difficult to explain in a single sentence.
Betraying Your Past Self and Caring for Your Present Self May Not Be Opposites
Living abroad often means facing many significant choices in life.
Where to live.
Who to build a life with.
What truly matters.
Over time, these choices become part of who we are.
And perhaps that is why changing direction can feel frightening.
"I've already come this far."
"This was the life I chose."
Sometimes these thoughts quietly hold us together.
But now I wonder whether betraying our past selves and caring for our present selves are not opposites at all.
Maybe they belong to the same flow of life.
Because people change.
🌿 A Small Step for You: Free 30-Minute Online Session
Living abroad can sometimes bring feelings that do not fit neatly together.
"I want to go home."
And at the same time:
"But what do I do?"
You may miss people and still be afraid to see them.
You may want change while feeling unable to move.
You may not even know exactly what you are feeling.
When emotions become complicated, trying to solve them alone in your head can sometimes make them feel even harder to understand.
So if you have ever thought:
"I don't know if this is something worth talking about."
"I'm not sure I could explain it properly."
"I still haven't worked out what I actually feel."
That is okay.
You do not need to organise your thoughts perfectly.
You do not need a "serious enough" reason to talk.
People who have spent years holding things together on their own often become very good at putting their own feelings aside.
This free 30-minute online session is not about making big decisions.
It is simply a gentle space to put down some of what you have been carrying.
And if one day you think,
"Maybe I’d like to talk to someone, just a little,"
I’ll be here.
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