The “Unspoken Exhaustion” of Living Abroad: Invisible Stress and Loneliness Many Expats Carry
- Locus of Life
- May 15
- 5 min read
Updated: May 31
Living abroad can sometimes leave you wondering,
“Why do I feel so exhausted all the time?”
Living abroad exhaustion is not always caused by one major problem.
Not because there is one huge problem.
But because you come home drained after seeing people.
Because you always feel slightly on edge.
Because part of you feels like you always have to “get things right”.
Looking back, there was a period in my life when I carried this kind of quiet, unspoken exhaustion for a very long time while living in the UK.
Living Abroad Exhaustion and the Pressure to “Get Things Right”
When you live in another country, it is surprisingly easy to become someone who is constantly trying to be pleasant, agreeable, and easy to get along with.
Living in a different culture often means continuously adjusting yourself in small, invisible ways.
Choosing your words carefully
Watching people’s reactions
Reading the atmosphere
Wondering whether you said something inappropriate
The sense of distance that once felt natural in your home country can suddenly become unclear.
“Was that the wrong thing to say?”
“Did I sound rude?”
“Did I make things awkward?”
Little tensions like these slowly build up over time.
And before you realise it, you can find yourself constantly trying to adapt and avoid getting things wrong.
The Time I Felt I Had to Avoid Being Disliked
Looking back now, I think I spent many years living with the quiet fear of being disliked.
At the time, I had very few friends, and my ex-husband was the only person I felt I could truly rely on.
Perhaps because of that, losing relationships felt frightening.
So I tried not to stand out
I tried not to disrupt the atmosphere
Even when something upset me, I often stayed quiet
Everyone else seemed so natural and comfortable in themselves, while I constantly felt slightly out of place.
I felt I had to adapt properly
I felt I had to avoid making mistakes
I felt I had to avoid being seen as difficult or unpleasant
And little by little, I stopped knowing how I truly felt.
At the time, I do not think I fully realised how painful that actually was.
I Had Slipped Into “Survival Mode” Without Realising It
Back then, I was constantly tense.
It felt impossible to fully relax.
Perhaps part of me was always in survival mode.
I was always bracing myself for something:
for rejection
for awkwardness
for misunderstanding
for disapproval
Without realising it, I was constantly emotionally alert.
I became highly sensitive to people’s facial expressions,
their tone of voice, and even small comments.
Before long, I found myself replaying conversations over and over in my head.
“Did I talk too much?”
“Did I sound strange?”
“Did I make them uncomfortable?”
And gradually, suppressing myself became normal.
Adapting became automatic.
I became so used to adjusting myself that I barely noticed I was doing it.
Losing touch with who you are can be an incredibly painful experience.
What Was Hidden Beneath My Irritation and Anxiety
During the period when I felt disconnected from myself, I often felt irritable without fully understanding why.
Small things overwhelmed me.
Tiny comments affected me deeply.
I constantly felt emotionally exhausted.
At the time, I kept asking myself:
“Why am I always so irritated?”
But looking back now, I think there were softer emotions underneath all of it.
I was lonely.
I wanted reassurance.
I wanted to feel emotionally safe.
But by then, I no longer knew how to express those feelings honestly.
Instead of saying “I feel lonely”, I became irritable.
Instead of saying “I need support”, I tried to appear strong.
Perhaps anger was simply the shape my lost vulnerability had taken.
When You No Longer Have a Place Where You Can Speak Honestly
When You No Longer Have a Place Where You Can Speak Honestly
Back then, I did not really have a place where I felt emotionally safe enough to speak honestly.
There were very few people I could speak to in my own language
about the more delicate parts of my feelings.
And over time, I became emotionally exhausted from constantly having to explain myself.
That included my relationship with my ex-husband.
It was not only about language.
Trying to explain cultural nuances, emotional subtleties,
and unspoken feelings in English slowly became exhausting for me.
This is not about blaming the other person.
But after a while, I started feeling that perhaps I would never be fully understood anyway.
So little by little, I stopped expressing myself.
And as I continued suppressing my feelings, I gradually stopped understanding them myself.
Was I happy?
Was I hurt?
Was I lonely?
Was I sad?
My emotions slowly became blurred.
The more I held things in, the less connected I felt to my own feelings.
And the less connected I felt to myself, the more I relied on being the “pleasant” version of me.
That, in turn, made it even harder to relax and simply be myself.
Looking back, I think I had become trapped in a painful emotional cycle.
Slowly Returning to My True Self
I only began to step out of that cycle when I slowly realised that living honestly with my own feelings mattered.
But at the time, I no longer even knew what “being true to myself” meant.
When you spend years putting your own feelings aside, even your sense of what feels natural or comfortable can become unclear.
And looking back now, I do not think what I needed most was to “change”.
What I truly needed was to acknowledge how hard I had been trying all along.
Trying to survive in a foreign country.
Trying to belong.
Trying to protect relationships.
Trying to be accepted.
When I finally began saying to myself,
“You’ve been carrying so much for such a long time.”
something inside me slowly started to soften.
Healing From Living Abroad Exhaustion Through Small Moments
I think we begin to reconnect with ourselves when we start feeling emotionally safe again.
And often, it begins with very small things.
“What am I really feeling?”
“What do I actually want?”
For me, one of those moments involved something as simple as coffee.
Back in Japan, I was always a coffee drinker.
But after I got married, my ex-husband only drank tea,
and over time I stopped making coffee for myself.
It seems like such a small thing.
I think I had gradually stopped listening to my own preferences in many areas of my life.
Then one day after my divorce, I found myself thinking,
“I’d really like a coffee.”
When I made myself a cup for the first time in years, something shifted.
It felt as though I had reconnected with a part of myself I had forgotten.
Perhaps finding your way back to yourself often begins like this.
By listening to the small feelings that are easy to dismiss.
Resting when you are tired.
Saying no when you need space.
Paying attention to what genuinely feels right for you.
Healing does not always begin with life-changing decisions.
Sometimes it begins with something as small as a cup of coffee.
🌿 A Small First Step | Free 30-Minute Online Session
If you are reading this, you may be thinking:
“I’m not sure my problems are serious enough.”
“I don’t know how to explain how I feel.”
“I’m not even sure what’s wrong.”
And that is completely okay.
Living abroad can sometimes make people so used to adapting and coping that they lose touch with their own emotions without even realising it.
You do not need to organise your feelings perfectly before reaching out.
You do not need to explain everything clearly.
Even simply feeling tired, emotionally overwhelmed, or disconnected from yourself is enough.
This free 30-minute online session is not about forcing positivity or finding immediate answers.
It is simply a gentle space where you can begin to breathe, reflect, and feel heard.
Many people who have spent years living abroad become very good at carrying everything alone.
That is why I hope this can be a place where you feel safe enough to speak, even if only a little.
【🔽 Book Your Free 30-Minute Online Session Here】
Comments