Why Relationships Can Feel Challenging When Living Abroad | Attachment Styles and the Need for a Secure Base
- Locus of Life
- Mar 27
- 5 min read
Updated: May 19
Have you ever felt a growing distance in your relationship while living abroad?
Moving overseas, relocating for work, building a life in another country, being in an intercultural relationship…
Big life changes can affect our relationships in ways we do not always expect.
Have you ever found yourself thinking:
We never used to argue this much before.
From the outside, life abroad looks exciting, but at home things feel distant.
They are supposed to be the person closest to me, so why can’t I be myself?
A small comment suddenly hurts far more than it should.
When we live abroad, the people and places we naturally rely on often become more limited.
As a result, our relationship can slowly become one of the biggest emotional anchors in our lives.
Small misunderstandings can begin to feel much larger than they once did.
Behind this, there can sometimes be a deeper pattern at work — something psychology refers to as attachment styles.
Why relationship struggles can become more intense when living abroad
Living abroad affects us more deeply than we often realise.
Back home, many of us naturally had different sources of emotional support:
family
friends
work
familiar language and culture
everyday routines
In psychology, these sources of comfort are often called a secure base.
A secure base is not necessarily one person. It is a sense of safety — knowing there are places, people, and connections that help us feel grounded.
But moving abroad can sometimes mean losing many of these things all at once.
When that happens, the sense of security that used to come from many places can slowly become concentrated in one person.
So, something as simple as
"My partner doesn't understand me"
can gradually begin to feel less like a small misunderstanding and more like:
"I no longer know where I belong."
That is one reason relationships can feel particularly difficult when living abroad.
My own experience of losing a secure base
I experienced this myself while living in the UK.
When I was working as a cabin crew member, I was able to travel back to Japan frequently.
At the time, I did not feel especially anxious about living abroad.
Looking back now, I think Japan itself had become an important secure base for me.
But after having my son, I left work and focused on raising him in the UK.
Suddenly many things changed:
I could not easily return home
My connection with society became smaller
I felt uncertain about my English
I noticed differences in values within my relationship
Little by little, anxiety began to build.
At the time, I did not recognise it as anxiety.
Instead, it appeared as unexplained frustration and restlessness.
Later, I returned to Japan with my son for a visit.
Being surrounded by family and friends, hearing my own language around me, I slowly felt calmer and more like myself again.
When my partner later arrived and met me at the airport, he said:
"You seem like a completely different person."
When I heard that, I remember thinking:
"Maybe I’m simply happier in Japan."
But looking back now, I do not think it was really about Japan itself.
I think I was searching for something deeper — a feeling of safety within myself.
I still live in the UK today.
What has changed is not necessarily where I live, but the relationship I have with myself.
As I gradually learned to notice my feelings and support myself emotionally, life began to feel lighter.
I realised that it is not only where we are that matters.
Sometimes it is whether we feel safe within ourselves.
The “pursuer and distancer” pattern in attachment styles
When loneliness and uncertainty become stronger, attachment patterns can also become stronger.
Anxious attachment (the chaser)
wanting to feel understood
fearing abandonment
experiencing strong emotional reactions
Avoidant attachment (the runner)
feeling overwhelmed by intense emotions
needing more distance
withdrawing into silence, work, or space
Over time, a pattern can emerge:
one person moves closer,
while the other pulls away.
This does not mean either person is wrong.
Often, both people are simply trying to find safety in different ways.
Why anxious and avoidant attachment styles often attract each other
Many people ask:
"If anxious and avoidant attachment styles are so difficult together, why do they seem to happen so often?"
Part of the answer may lie in unconscious emotional dynamics.
People with anxious attachment often long for reassurance and closeness.
People with avoidant attachment often feel safer when they have more emotional space.
As one partner moves closer, the other may move away.
The closer one comes, the further the other steps back.
And yet both people may still deeply care about each other.
This can create a cycle that feels intensely connected, while somehow never fully satisfying.
Living abroad can make this pattern even stronger because other sources of emotional security may be limited.
Small things that can help improve a relationship
Perhaps the most important thing is not trying to work out who is right or wrong.
Instead, it can help to gently ask:
"What is happening inside me right now?"
Becoming aware of our own emotional state can sometimes be the first step towards changing the way we relate to each other.
Small steps you can begin today
🌿 Notice your feelings and try putting them into words
🌿 Instead of "I want them to understand me", try focusing on sharing what you are experiencing
🌿 Create supportive connections outside your relationship as well
🌿 Try not to carry everything on your own
Growing a sense of safety within yourself
A sense of safety does not only come from the outside world.
It can also be something we slowly begin to build within ourselves.
For example:
"I'm feeling anxious right now."
"Maybe what I really needed was to feel safe."
Sometimes it begins simply by noticing our feelings without pushing them away.
It does not need to be perfect.
Even when we cannot immediately change our circumstances, creating small moments of safety can gradually change the way we relate to ourselves and to others.
🌿 A Small Step for You: Free 30-Minute Online Session
When relationships feel difficult while living abroad, it can become easy to carry everything on your own.
You may find yourself thinking:
"Maybe I just need to try harder."
"Perhaps things would change if my partner changed."
Living abroad can sometimes make our relationships feel even more significant, especially when familiar support systems and trusted connections are limited.
As a result, even small misunderstandings can affect us more deeply than we expect.
As you are reading this, you might recognise some of these thoughts:
"Why do we keep ending up in the same pattern?"
"I don’t want to blame my partner, but I still feel hurt."
"I just want to feel understood, but I don’t know how to explain it."
If any of this feels familiar, you do not need to have everything figured out before reaching out.
You do not need to organise your thoughts perfectly.
Even "I’m not really sure what I’m feeling" is enough.
This free 30-minute online session is not a place to rush towards answers.
It is simply a gentle space to begin untangling thoughts and feelings that may have felt difficult to carry alone.
You do not need to wait until things feel overwhelming.
If you feel ready to take a small step, you are warmly welcome.
[🔽 Book your free 30-minute online session]
If you would simply like to get a sense of the space first, or if you are still unsure, that is completely okay too.
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