Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: Grief Care and Cultural Insights from Japan and the UK
- Locus of Life
- Apr 11
- 5 min read
After experiencing the loss of a loved one, do you find yourself wondering, "How long will this sadness last?" or "How can I find a way to move forward?" and feeling as though you are struggling alone?
When we lose someone dear to us, we experience profound sorrow. In psychology, this emotional response to loss is known as “grief.”
However, the way we face grief is not universal. Depending on our culture, how we understand sadness and how we perceive our relationship with the deceased can differ significantly.
When I first began living in the UK, there was a particular moment where I felt these cultural differences acutely. It was about the cultural differences in how people visit graves.
Bereavement in Japan and the UK: The Loss of a Loved One and Visiting Graves
In Japan, visiting a grave is seen as a time to go and "meet" the deceased. In the UK, however, it is less common to visit graves as frequently as in Japan.
Furthermore, there is a difference in the layout of cemeteries. In Japan, there are clear paths, and one would fundamentally never walk over a grave. Here in the UK, however, it is common to walk over other graves to reach the one you are looking for.
When I first saw this, I felt a slight sense of bewilderment. However, as I began to learn about the differences between Japanese and Western perspectives on life and death, I gradually came to understand that feeling.
Western Grief Care: Psychology to Express Emotion and Move Forward
In Western psychology, grief is often understood as a process of expressing and organising emotions in order to heal. One of the most well-known frameworks is the Five Stages of Grief, introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.
The Five Stages of Grief
Denial: Immediately after the loss of a loved one, you may feel "this can't be happening"—a natural reaction to protect your heart.
Anger: As reality sets in, you may feel anger towards fate, those around you, or even yourself, asking "Why me?"
Bargaining: A stage where you think about different possibilities, wondering "What if I had done this back then?"
Depression: When the reality of the loss truly sinks in, daily life can feel heavy with intense sadness or a sense of emptiness.
Acceptance: Gradually accepting the reality, treasuring the memories of the deceased, and finding a way to move forward with your own life.
Modern Grief Psychology: Dual Process Model
In recent years, psychology has come to view grief not as simple stages, but as a movement between two psychological processes: "Loss-Oriented" (focusing on the grief) and "Restoration-Oriented" (focusing on daily life), much like a swinging pendulum.
Additionally, the "Continuing Bonds" theory proposed by psychologist Dennis Klass suggests that the relationship with the deceased does not end but continues in a different form. This idea resonates deeply with Japanese cultural sensibilities.
Japanese Grief Care and Views on Death: The Warm Bond of "Stars in the Sky"
In Japanese culture, the deceased are not necessarily perceived as completely gone, but rather as continuing to exist in another form.
For instance, in Japan, we often tell young children:
The person who died has become a star and is watching over us from the sky.
This sense of being "watched over from the sky" is a warm, uniquely Japanese perspective on death that is not as common in the West.
The presence of the deceased is woven into daily life through actions such as:
Praying in front of a household altar (Butsudan)
Remembering loved ones on memorial days
Visiting gravesites and polishing the headstone
Speaking to photographs
Through these acts, the relationship with the deceased continues to live on within one's life. While the culture of displaying photographs exists in the West, they are generally integrated naturally into daily life alongside photos of living family members, rather than being an "object of worship" as in Japan. Though the form differs, the wish to keep the memory of a loved one close is perhaps universal.
Western vs. Japanese Perspectives: The Nature of Existence
In traditional Western Christian culture, it is often believed that when a person dies, their soul goes to God, and their life in this world is complete. In other words, death is emphasised as the "end" of existence in this world.
Conversely, in Japan, there is a sense that even if the body is gone, the soul or presence remains here in some form.
This difference in the view of life and death is linked to the background of the "discomfort with walking over graves" that I felt in the UK.
Historical Context of Cemetery Culture
The discomfort I felt in the UK also has historical and cultural roots. In Europe, the church was the centre of people's lives for a long time, and many were buried within church grounds or sometimes under the floors of the church itself.
For example, at St Paul's Cathedral in London, many historical figures are buried beneath the floor. Walking over them for the first time might be confusing, but it is not meant as a sign of disrespect.
Rather, it is based on the honourable idea of "resting in the most sacred place closest to God's blessing, and remaining a member of the community even after death." Unlike in Japan, where graves are managed by families, European graves are sometimes reused after a certain period.
Because of this, cemeteries function as "places to quietly remember" while also being part of the people's living space.
In contrast, in Japan, a cemetery is strongly perceived as "the place where the soul of the deceased resides" and a "place to go and meet them." Great importance is placed on joining one's hands before the headstone, showing respect in every step, and quietly protecting that space.
Practising Grief Care: Finding Your Own Path to Living with Sadness
The expression and healing of grief differ greatly depending on culture and the individual.
In some cultures, it is natural to shed tears and talk openly; in others, it is considered virtuous to look up at the sky and hold memories quietly. These forms exist within each person's heart, transcending even the boundaries of culture.
In counselling, there is no "one right way" to grieve.
For instance, someone raised with a Western perspective might find solace in the Japanese concept of "stars watching from the sky."
Conversely, someone from Japan might find a turning point in moving forward by learning the rational Western approach of "clearly accepting the reality of the loss."
I hope that by touching upon these different cultural perspectives, this article can help you let go of the burden of "how things should be."
For some, "acknowledging the reality" will bring peace of mind; for others, "feeling an invisible connection" will bring healing. What matters is not comparing yourself to others or generalisations, but finding the "way of healing" that feels most right for you.
I believe that the very process of seeking that path is the most meaningful form of grief care.
You don’t have to go through grief alone—and you don’t have to rush your healing.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Q. Does sadness naturally disappear over time?
A. Rather than disappearing completely, it is often said to remain in the heart in a different form. The important thing is finding how to live alongside that sadness.
Q. What is grief care?
A. It is support that stays beside someone in their bereavement or loss, helping them face their grief in a way that feels natural to them. Speaking with a professional can help organise one's feelings.
From Locus of Life
Accepting the loss of a loved one can sometimes feel very lonely.
At Locus of Life, I offer a space where you can talk safely about your experiences of grief and loss at your own pace. Please do not feel pressured to "let go of your sadness"—feel free to share your feelings exactly as they are.
It would be my privilege to stand by you and honour the form of the bond you have cherished.
[🔽 Click here for details and booking of a free 30-minute initial online counselling session]
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