Feeling Lost Living Overseas?: Cross-Cultural Adaptation and Identity Shifts
- Locus of Life
- Mar 6
- 7 min read
Living abroad is often seen as an exciting adventure.
It can broaden your horizons, introduce you to new cultures and ways of thinking,
and help you grow in ways you never expected.
Yet, after living overseas for some time, many people begin to notice a quieter,
more confusing experience.
"I'm managing my daily life, but something doesn't quite feel right."
"I don't feel like the person I used to be."
"I don't fully belong here, but I don't completely belong back home either."
In a previous article, I wrote about the moment I realised
that I was far more Japanese than I had ever imagined.
That realisation did not arrive overnight.
Before I recognised it, there had already been a long period
during which my sense of self had quietly begun to shift.
Experiencing cross-cultural adaptation often brings moments like these.
It is not simply about learning a new language or becoming familiar with different customs.
It can also lead us to question our values, the way we relate to other people,
and even our sense of who we are.
In this article, I'd like to explore cross-cultural adaptation and the quiet shifts
in identity that often accompany life overseas, drawing on both psychological understanding
and my own experience of living in the UK for more than twenty years.
The Four Stages of Cross-Cultural Adaptation
Living in another culture often brings gradual emotional changes.
Rather than following a straight path, we may move forwards, backwards, pause for a while,
and then continue again.
In cross-cultural psychology, these experiences are often described
as different stages of cross-cultural adaptation.
Of course, everyone's experience is different.
Some people spend much longer in one stage than another,
while others move back and forth between them several times.
Over the past twenty years of living in the UK,
I have recognised many of these changes in my own life.
Although every journey is unique, these four stages can help us understand
why living abroad sometimes feels both rewarding and unexpectedly challenging.
Phase 1: The Honeymoon Phase
At the beginning, almost everything feels new and exciting.
Living in another country.
Speaking another language.
Discovering unfamiliar traditions.
Even the differences themselves can feel energising.
There is often a sense of growth, possibility and adventure.
When I was working as a flight attendant, travelling regularly between Japan and the UK,
I think this stage lasted longer than it does for many people.
At that time, living overseas still felt more like an adventure than everyday life.
Phase 2: The Culture Shock Phase
Things began to change when life in the UK became my everyday reality.
Work
Raising a child
Healthcare
Paperwork
Learning how different systems worked
Suddenly, everything had to be understood and managed in English.
That was when I experienced culture shock in a much deeper way.
I often found myself thinking,
"Things would be so different in Japan."
"Why is it done this way here?"
There were times when I noticed only the frustrations of living in the UK.
Many people experience homesickness, loneliness, irritation
or a loss of confidence during this stage.
Although uncomfortable, these reactions are often a natural part of cross-cultural adaptation.
Our minds are working hard to make sense of a completely different way of living.
Phase 3: The Survival Phase
For me, the most difficult period came after my divorce.
I suddenly found myself raising a young child while trying to navigate unfamiliar legal systems, financial responsibilities and everyday life on my own.
Everything had to be understood, interpreted and decided in my second language.
There were times when I genuinely wondered whether I could continue.
This stage often brings experiences such as:
Anxiety
Self-doubt
Loneliness
A feeling of losing touch with yourself
Yet, looking back, I also believe this stage marked the beginning of something important.
It was the point where I slowly began rebuilding my life
—not by becoming someone completely different,
but by discovering strengths I had never realised I possessed.
Phase 4: Recovery and Adaptation
Recovery does not mean that everything suddenly becomes easy.
Life abroad still presents challenges.
There are still moments of misunderstanding, homesickness and uncertainty.
The difference is that they no longer shake your sense of self in quite the same way.
Over time, I began studying counselling and psychology.
As I reflected on my own experiences, I gradually came to understand
not only what had been difficult, but also what those experiences had taught me.
Today, I no longer see Japan and the UK as two worlds pulling me in different directions.
Instead, they have both become part of who I am.
Living between cultures has not erased my identity.
It has expanded it.
Cross-cultural adaptation is not about becoming someone else.
It is about gradually learning how different parts of yourself can exist together.
Identity Shifts While Living Overseas
When people think about life abroad, they often assume that the biggest challenge
is learning the language.
Language certainly matters.
But many people who have lived overseas for years eventually realise
that what drains them most is not vocabulary or grammar.
It is the quiet feeling that they are no longer quite the person they used to be.
Living in another culture gently challenges the assumptions we once took for granted.
The way we communicate.
The way we build relationships.
The way we express kindness, disagreement or respect.
Over time, these small adjustments can lead us to ask a much deeper question:
"Who am I becoming?"
The Emotional Fatigue of Living Between Languages
Perhaps you can manage everyday conversations with ease.
You can work,
deal with official paperwork
and communicate confidently.
Yet, by the end of the day, you feel strangely exhausted.
Part of that tiredness can come from living between two languages.
Sometimes English allows us to express something more directly
than we would in our first language.
At other times, the emotional nuance we naturally feel in Japanese
seems almost impossible to put into English.
You may find yourself thinking,
"That wasn't quite what I meant."
"I wish I could have said it differently."
These small moments may seem insignificant on their own.
But over time, they can leave us feeling slightly disconnected from ourselves.
This is not because our English is inadequate.
It is a natural consequence of living between two languages and two cultures.
When You Worry About Sounding Too Direct
Speaking in a second language can sometimes make us sound different
from the person we feel ourselves to be.
I have often finished a conversation in English and thought,
"I wish that had sounded a little gentler."
"That wasn't quite how I wanted to express it."
At other times, the words I wanted simply did not exist in quite the same way.
After enough experiences like these, it can become easier to stay quiet.
"Perhaps it's better not to say anything."
"Maybe I'll be misunderstood."
Little by little, we may begin to hide parts of ourselves simply
because expressing them feels too difficult.
Yet when we continually silence ourselves, sadness, frustration and loneliness rarely disappear.
They simply become quieter.
Living abroad is not only about being able to speak.
It is also about feeling that you can speak as yourself.
When You Feel You Belong Nowhere
Many people who live overseas know this feeling well.
In the country where you now live, you may always be seen as someone from elsewhere.
Then, when you return to your home country, you notice that you have changed too.
The conversations feel different.
The expectations feel different.
Sometimes, even home feels unfamiliar.
I have experienced that feeling myself.
Whenever I return to Japan, there are moments when I realise
that I no longer see everything in quite the same way.
Years ago, that unsettled me.
Now, I see it differently.
Living abroad has expanded my perspective.
It has allowed different cultures, values and experiences to become part of who I am.
Belonging does not always mean fitting perfectly into one place.
Sometimes it means learning to feel at home within yourself, wherever you are.
Identity Is Not Lost—It Continues to Grow
Living between cultures does not mean losing your identity.
Nor does it require you to become a completely different person.
Instead, it invites you to carry different parts of yourself together.
The person who grew up in your home country.
The person you have become through living abroad.
Both are real.
Both deserve a place.
Growth takes time.
There will be moments of uncertainty.
There will be times when you question yourself.
That does not mean you are moving in the wrong direction.
Identity is not something we leave behind.
It continues to grow throughout our lives, shaped by every place
we have lived and every experience we have carried.
Why These Feelings Are Easy to Carry Alone
The emotional impact of cross-cultural adaptation is often invisible.
From the outside, people may assume that life abroad is exciting or glamorous.
They may not see the constant adjustments happening beneath the surface.
Many people also tell themselves,
"This was my choice."
"I shouldn't complain."
So they continue carrying everything alone.
But living overseas asks a great deal of us emotionally.
Feeling tired, uncertain or lonely does not mean you are weak.
It often means you have been adapting for longer than you realised.
You do not need to rush towards answers.
Sometimes the most important step is simply allowing yourself to acknowledge how you feel.
Many of the questions that arise while living abroad cannot be solved overnight.
Yet they often become lighter once they are recognised rather than ignored.
Perhaps you have not lost yourself after all.
Perhaps you are simply becoming someone whose life now belongs to more than one culture.
🌿 A Small Step for You: Free 30-Minute Online Session
If this article resonated with you,
you do not need to have everything figured out before reaching out.
You do not have to explain your feelings perfectly.
And it does not have to be a major crisis.
Many people living overseas carry these quiet questions on their own for years.
This is simply a calm, confidential space where you can pause,
reflect and explore whatever feels important to you, at your own pace.
Sometimes, having the freedom to speak openly is enough
to help you hear your own thoughts more clearly.
[🔽 Book your free 30-minute online session here]
If you would simply like to get a sense of the space first, that is absolutely okay too.
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