What Was Beneath the “Put-Together” Version of Me: Finding My Authentic Self Abroad
- Locus of Life
- Jun 5
- 4 min read
When you live abroad, people often say things like,
“You’ve become so strong.”
And in some ways, that may be true.
I became more capable than I used to be.
Different languages
Different cultures
Pressure at work
Unexpected problems
Life without family nearby
I learned how to carry those things on my own.
But looking back now, I don’t think I had truly become stronger.
I think I had simply become used to living in a constant state of tension.
Being “the put-together person”
When I lived in Japan,
people probably saw me as someone who always seemed composed and capable.
Reading the atmosphere
Not making others uncomfortable
Sensing what was expected of me
Keeping harmony around me
I was always aware of other people before I was aware of myself.
At the time, that didn’t feel unusual to me.
Working for a Japanese airline only strengthened that instinct.
Smiling warmly
Being gentle
Making people feel at ease
Those things were part of the job.
But over time,
I realised I had become used to being the version of myself that other people needed.
Not only at work,
but in everyday life too.
How I Lost My Authentic Self Abroad
After moving to the UK, that tension became even stronger.
And it wasn’t only during work.
Even when I was with my European colleagues hired in London, I was constantly aware of myself.
I didn’t want to seem strange.
I didn’t want to make things awkward.
I didn’t want to appear rude as a Japanese person.
The culture was different.
The sense of distance between people was different.
Even humour felt different.
Without realising it, I was always adjusting myself to fit the environment around me.
Somewhere along the way,I lost the feeling of simply being able to exist naturally.
Looking back now, I realise that much of my journey abroad was about losing touch with my authentic self.
The feeling of not being able to be yourself
The loneliness of living abroad is not only about being far away from family.
There is also a quieter kind of loneliness.
The feeling that there is nowhere you can exist exactly as you are.
What if I show weakness?
What if I become too much for people?
What if I seem difficult or emotionally heavy?
And so, the lonelier I felt, the more I pretended I was fine.
The more exhausted I became, the more I said, “I’m okay.”
I was creating a version of myself in my marriage too
That pattern existed in my marriage as well.
My former husband and I had not spent a long time together before getting married.
So after moving to the UK, I gradually began learning who he really was.
What made him irritated
What he disliked
How far I could speak honestly
Which parts of myself felt safer to hide
But looking back now, I think I was less focused on understanding him,
and more focused on being someone he would continue to love.
I didn’t want to be rejected.
I didn’t want to seem emotionally heavy.
I didn’t want to become “difficult to live with”.
The feeling that I couldn’t go back
And underneath all of that, there was another feeling quietly sitting inside me.
The feeling that I couldn’t simply return to Japan anymore.
This was the life I had chosen.
It was the life I had explained to other people.
I didn’t feel I had the right to fall apart.
And so, losing the relationship felt terrifying.
Not only because I might lose a partner.
But because it felt as though I might lose my place in the world entirely.
Between kindness and self-protection
So instead of showing my real self, I tried to become someone who caused no problems.
Understanding
Patient
Easy-going
Independent
But when you spend too much time adapting to others,
some people begin to treat your kindness and tolerance as something they are entitled to.
You stop saying no.
You smile even when something hurts.
You allow people to cross your boundaries because it feels easier than disappointing them.
And eventually, I became exhausted not only from trying not to be disliked,
but also from constantly trying not to be taken advantage of.
Without noticing it,
I had lost sight of the boundary between caring for others and protecting myself.
Losing touch with what I truly felt
When you become too used to adapting,
there are moments when you stop knowing what you genuinely feel.
Am I lonely?
Am I angry?
Am I sad?
Or do I simply want to feel safe?
Even those feelings begin to fade into the background.
For a long time, I believed I simply needed to try harder.
To become stronger
More understanding
Better at coping
But now I think what I truly needed was not to become better at enduring everything.
What I needed was to realise
that I no longer had to keep creating a version of myself just to be loved.
What I would say to my younger self now
I no longer blame the version of me who was afraid of rejection.
Or the version of me who believed she couldn’t go back.
Or the version of me who made herself smaller in order to be loved.
Looking back now, I don't see weakness.
I see someone who was desperately trying not to lose her sense of belonging.
The line between adapting and losing yourself
Living abroad
Working across cultures
Trying to build a life with someone from a different background.
All of those experiences can help us grow.
But they can also blur the line between adapting and losing ourselves.
There is nothing wrong with trying to understand others.
Nothing wrong with adjusting.
But we should not have to erase our own feelings in the process.
Not only the composed version of ourselves,
but also the tired parts, the uncertain parts, the days when we cannot smile easily —
those parts deserve a place to exist too.
If you have also spent years feeling that you must always “hold yourself together”,
perhaps it may help to gently look at the loneliness and exhaustion underneath that effort.
At Locus of Life
I offer counselling for people living abroad who feel they have been carrying
the weight of being the “put-together” version of themselves for a long time.
If you are looking for a place where you can speak honestly,
put down the armour for a while, and simply be yourself, you are warmly welcome here.
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