What I Was Really Looking For: Finding Emotional Safety While Living Abroad
- Locus of Life
- Jun 19
- 5 min read
Living abroad, I spent many years searching for something without fully understanding what it was.
A sense of not quite belonging.
The feeling of wanting to go home.
The habit of adapting to everyone around me.
The constant pressure to hold everything together.
At the time, these all felt like separate struggles.
But looking back, I think they were connected by something much deeper.
What I was really looking for was a sense of emotional safety.
I wanted somewhere I could finally relax.
Somewhere I didn't have to explain myself all the time.
Somewhere I could stop trying so hard.
Somewhere I could simply be myself.
For a long time, I believed that safety would come from outside me.
If I found the right people.
If I belonged more easily.
If I became stronger.
If I made fewer mistakes.
Then perhaps I would finally feel safe.
Why Emotional Safety Can Be Difficult to Maintain
While Living Abroad
There was a period in my life when I no longer really knew what feeling safe felt like.
From the outside, life looked perfectly normal.
I was working, managing responsibilities, and simply getting on with life.
Yet underneath it all, I was constantly tense.
Living abroad often means adapting without even realising it.
Choosing your words carefully.
Adjusting to different expectations.
Reading social situations more closely than you used to.
Trying not to offend anyone.
Trying not to stand out too much.
Over time, I became so focused on adapting that I gradually stopped paying attention to myself.
Without realising it, I began putting everyone else's needs, expectations,
and comfort ahead of my own.
Looking for Safety Outside Myself
For years, I thought safety was something another person could give me.
If someone understood me completely, I would feel safe.
If I found the right community, I would feel safe.
If I could finally feel at home somewhere, I would feel safe.
Relationships matter.
Connection matters.
Belonging matters.
But when our sense of safety depends entirely on things outside our control,
life can begin to feel fragile.
A small misunderstanding can shake us.
Someone's reaction can affect how we see ourselves.
A change in circumstances can leave us feeling lost again.
Looking back, I think I had placed the foundations of my wellbeing almost entirely outside myself.
And because of that, I was always afraid of losing them.
What Helped Me Rebuild Emotional Safety While Living Abroad
Things began to change when I started paying more attention to what I was actually feeling.
Looking back, I realise that emotional safety while living abroad was not
something I found all at once.
It grew gradually as I learned to pay attention to my feelings rather than push them away.
Lonely
Anxious
Exhausted
Sad
Frustrated
Homesick
Whenever these feelings appeared, my first instinct was often to push them away.
I would tell myself:
"I shouldn't feel like this."
"I need to be stronger."
"I just need to keep going."
But emotions do not disappear simply because we ignore them.
They tend to find another way to make themselves known.
So slowly, I began practising something different.
Instead of fighting my feelings, I started acknowledging them.
"I'm feeling anxious."
"I'm feeling lonely."
"I'm feeling overwhelmed."
That simple shift changed more than I expected.
I believe it was the first step towards rebuilding a sense of emotional safety.
What Self-Acceptance Really Means
When people hear the phrase "self-acceptance",
they often imagine loving every part of themselves.
That has never quite been my understanding of it.
To me, self-acceptance is not about liking every feeling.
It is about not pushing those feelings away.
It is not about celebrating anxiety.
It is about allowing anxiety to exist without treating it as a personal failure.
It is not about admiring our vulnerability.
It is about not punishing ourselves for being human.
For many years, I was much harder on myself than I realised.
I believed I should always cope.
Always stay strong.
Always manage.
Always keep moving forward.
But underneath those expectations was someone who simply needed kindness.
Learning to Step Back and Observe My Feelings
For much of my life, I did not really know how to relate to my emotions.
And perhaps that is not surprising.
We are taught many things growing up.
We learn academic subjects.
We learn practical skills.
We learn how to function in society.
But very few of us are taught how to understand our emotional world.
For years, my feelings simply happened to me.
If I felt sad, I felt sad.
If I felt anxious, I felt anxious.
If I felt angry, I felt angry.
And that was where it ended.
I rarely stopped to ask:
Why am I feeling this?
What is this emotion trying to tell me?
What might I need right now?
Over time, I learned something that now feels very important.
It is possible to notice your emotions without becoming consumed by them.
When sadness appeared, I learned to say:
"I'm feeling sad right now."
When anxiety appeared:
"I'm feeling anxious."
When anger appeared:
"What might be underneath this anger?"
Almost as though I were listening to a close friend rather than judging myself.
And gradually, things began to shift.
I started noticing that anger often hid hurt.
Anxiety often hid fear.
Loneliness often hid a longing for connection.
The emotions themselves were not the problem.
The problem was that I had never learned how to listen to them.
Emotional Safety Grows Through the Relationship We Have With Ourselves
I still experience uncertainty.
I still have difficult days.
I still sometimes miss home.
The difference now is that I no longer see those experiences as signs
that something is wrong with me.
Emotional safety is not the absence of anxiety.
It is knowing that anxiety can be present without defining who you are.
It is knowing that difficult feelings do not make you weak.
It is trusting that you can stay present with yourself, even when life feels uncertain.
For a long time, I searched for safety in places, people, and circumstances.
Now I believe emotional safety grows through the relationship we have with ourselves.
Little by little.
Moment by moment.
Choice by choice.
What It Means to Find Your Way Back to Yourself
The loneliness.
The homesickness.
The feeling of not fully belonging.
The exhaustion of always adapting.
The pressure to be the "right" version of yourself.
Looking back, I think they were all pointing towards the same thing.
For years, I thought I was searching for certainty.
For a place where I finally belonged.
For a version of myself that could cope with everything.
What I was really searching for was emotional safety.
I wanted permission to be human.
To feel uncertain sometimes.
To rest.
To struggle.
To change.
To be imperfect.
Finding emotional safety has not meant becoming fearless.
It has meant becoming kinder to myself.
It has meant learning that my feelings deserve attention rather than judgement.
And perhaps that is what coming home to ourselves looks like.
If you have been feeling exhausted, disconnected, or lost while living abroad,
I hope you will be gentle with yourself.
There is often a reason behind what we feel.
And I genuinely hope that more people living far from home can rediscover
a sense of emotional safety, self-compassion, and a deeper connection with themselves.
🌿 A Small Step for You: Free 30-Minute Online Session
Many people living abroad carry far more than they realise.
Sometimes we become so used to coping that we stop noticing
how much we are holding on our own.
You do not need to have everything figured out before reaching out.
You do not need to explain things perfectly.
You don't have to be in crisis to reach out for support.
Sometimes it is enough to feel that you would simply like someone to talk to.
Counselling can be a space to slow down, explore what you are feeling,
and begin making sense of it with someone alongside you.
If that feels helpful, you would be very welcome.
[🔽 Book your free 30-minute online session here]
If you'd simply like to explore whether counselling feels right for you, that's absolutely okay too.
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