Living Abroad Boundaries: Protecting Your Sense of Self Through Adlerian Psychology
- Locus of Life
- Nov 18, 2024
- 4 min read
Living abroad can sometimes lead us to lose sight of our own needs without even realising it.
When you're navigating a different language and culture,
it's natural to become more aware of how your words and actions might affect other people.
You may find yourself thinking:
"I don't want to seem rude."
"I don't want to inconvenience anyone."
This isn't necessarily a bad thing.
In fact, the ability to be considerate and adaptable
is often one of the strengths people develop through living abroad.
However, when this becomes a way of life,
it can sometimes mean that other people's expectations begin
to take priority over your own feelings and needs.
When I speak with people living abroad, I often hear things like:
"I want to say no, but I can't."
"I'm exhausted from always adapting to other people."
"I'm no longer sure what I actually want."
This is where the idea of boundaries can be helpful.
In this article, I'd like to explore boundaries through the lens of Adlerian psychology and consider how they can help us protect our sense of self while living abroad.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the psychological lines that separate us from other people.
They help protect our feelings, values, time, energy, and emotional wellbeing.
Healthy boundaries allow us to recognise things such as:
What we can realistically offer
What feels too much
What belongs to us and what belongs to someone else
For some people, the word "boundaries" can sound harsh.
It may bring up images of pushing people away or becoming distant.
But healthy boundaries are not about rejecting others.
They are about creating enough space for relationships to remain sustainable, respectful,
and healthy over time.
Why Living Abroad Can Make Boundaries Feel More Difficult
Living abroad often means navigating situations where the usual social rules are less familiar.
You may find yourself wondering:
"Would it be rude to say no here?"
"Am I expected to help?"
"Should I just put up with this to keep the relationship smooth?"
In our home culture, there are often unspoken rules about personal space,
relationships, and expectations.
When we move abroad, many of those assumptions no longer apply.
As a result, we may become highly attuned to other people's reactions.
While this sensitivity can be helpful,
it can sometimes lead us to prioritise what others want over what we need.
Living abroad can also mean being far away from family and long-standing friendships.
Relationships may feel especially valuable because our support networks are smaller.
Because of this, we may tolerate situations that drain us simply
because we fear damaging an important relationship.
Gradually, our own needs can slip into the background.
What Adlerian Psychology Taught Me About Task Separation
One concept from Adlerian psychology that helped me understand this dynamic
is called task separation.
Simply put, it means asking:
"Whose responsibility is this?"
When I first encountered this idea, it felt incredibly freeing.
One area where it helped me was parenting.
There was a time when I became anxious and frustrated whenever my son didn't study.
I worried that I wasn't doing enough.
I wondered whether I should be pushing him harder.
Then I came across the idea that studying is ultimately his task.
As a parent, I can encourage him.
I can create an environment that supports learning.
But I cannot study on his behalf.
Nor can I live his life for him.
Recognising that distinction allowed me to step back a little and trust him more.
I became calmer and less consumed by anxiety.
Task separation is not about abandoning people.
It is about trusting them.
And I believe the same principle applies to relationships while living abroad.
When we think:
"What if I disappoint them?"
"What if they're upset with me?"
we may start carrying responsibilities that do not truly belong to us.
Boundaries help us recognise where our responsibilities end and someone else's begin.
How Boundaries Can Improve Relationships
As boundaries become healthier, something important begins to happen.
We learn to respect ourselves while continuing to respect other people.
Without boundaries, we may find ourselves:
Unable to say no
Overly affected by other people's emotions
Constantly trying to meet expectations
Feeling emotionally exhausted
With healthier boundaries, we often experience:
Less stress
Greater self-respect
More comfortable relationships
More space to be ourselves
Three Ways to Maintain Healthy Boundaries Abroad
Notice Your Feelings
Start by paying attention to small signals from within.
Perhaps you're tired.
Perhaps you're overwhelmed.
Perhaps you need more space than you're allowing yourself.
These feelings often provide important information.
Don't See "No" as Something Negative
Saying no is not the same as rejecting someone.
Sometimes it is simply a way of respecting both yourself and the relationship.
Don't Carry Other People's Reactions
When you begin setting boundaries, some people may be surprised.
They may even feel uncomfortable.
But their reaction is not always yours to manage.
Sometimes the healthiest response is simply:
"I will take responsibility for my part."
Foundations, Not Walls
Living abroad often invites us to re-examine who we are and how we want to live.
That is why boundaries matter.
They are not walls designed to keep people out.
They are foundations that help us stay connected to ourselves while remaining connected to others.
If you've recently been feeling exhausted from constantly adapting,
unsure of what you truly want, or disconnected from yourself,
it may be worth pausing for a moment and listening to your own inner voice.
🌿 A Gentle Step Forward: Free 30-Minute Online Session
Sometimes, when you are in the middle of it all,
it can be difficult to see where your responsibilities end and someone else's begin.
You don't need to have everything figured out before talking to someone.
You don't need to explain things perfectly.
And you don't need to wait until things feel overwhelming before reaching out.
Many people living abroad carry things on their own for far longer than they need to.
At Locus of Life, I offer a calm, supportive, and confidential space to explore relationships, emotional wellbeing, and the challenges of staying connected to yourself while living abroad.
If you feel ready to talk things through, or simply would like a space to pause and reflect,
I'd be very happy to welcome you.
[🔽 Book your free 30-minute online session here]
If you'd simply like to get a sense of the space first, that's absolutely okay too.
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