Why I Was Afraid to Stop People-Pleasing Abroad: What Living Abroad Taught Me About Belonging
- Locus of Life
- Jun 12
- 5 min read
When I first moved abroad,
I didn't realise how much people pleasing abroad would shape the way I related to others.
I didn't want people to think I was strange.
I didn't want people to think my English wasn't good enough.
I didn't want to be seen as someone who didn't understand how things worked.
Looking back,
I think I was trying to protect my place in the world by being "pleasant".
By being agreeable.
By not causing problems.
At the time, I didn't realise how much of myself I was quietly setting aside.
The Reality of Living Abroad Was Different from What I Expected
Although I was used to being around people
and creating a pleasant atmosphere as a flight attendant,
living in another country was something entirely different.
The only experience I had of living overseas
was a one-month homestay in Canada during university.
Actually building a life abroad was another matter altogether.
When I arrived in the UK,
the reality was very different from the picture I had carried in my mind.
I imagined beautiful streets,
polite people,
strong social systems
and a certain elegance that seemed distinctly British.
Of course, some of that existed.
But what surprised me most was the diversity.
I moved to the UK more than twenty years ago,
and even then, it felt far more multicultural than the Japan I had grown up in.
Without realising it,
I had carried a very simple image of what "British people" would be like.
Instead, I found myself surrounded by people from many different cultural backgrounds.
Different values.
Different ways of communicating.
Different assumptions about the world.
And perhaps most strikingly,
people seemed far more comfortable expressing themselves than I was.
They voiced opinions.
They disagreed openly.
They asked for what they needed.
Watching this, I often found myself wondering:
How much of myself should I show?
How direct is too direct?
What is acceptable here?
I wasn't sure where the boundaries were.
And I wasn't sure where I fitted.
How People Pleasing Abroad Slowly Made Me Smaller
Over time, I began avoiding people more than I used to.
When I met new people, I tried not to draw attention to myself.
I spoke less.
I stayed quiet.
I convinced myself that if I remained in the background,
I would be less likely to be rejected.
At the time, it felt safer.
The Real Me Was Never Meant to Be Quiet
The truth is, that wasn't really me.
I've always enjoyed talking to people.
I enjoy meeting new people.
I'm curious by nature.
I ask questions.
I have opinions.
During my years as a flight attendant,
connecting with people was one of the things I loved most about the job.
That's why this period of my life felt so uncomfortable.
The person I was becoming abroad felt increasingly distant from who I really was.
It wasn't that I didn't want connection.
Quite the opposite.
I wanted to join in.
I wanted to express myself more freely.
I wanted to feel like myself.
But every time I tried, something inside me pulled back.
What if they don't like me?
What if I say the wrong thing?
What if I don't fit in?
So I kept holding myself back.
Looking back, I can see that I was trying to protect myself.
But at the same time, I was drifting further away from myself.
And little by little, those small acts of self-suppression began to accumulate.
Eventually, they became something else.
I wasn't trying to become a people-pleaser.
I was simply afraid of losing my sense of belonging.
When I Couldn't Understand My Own Unhappiness
Living disconnected from yourself is more painful than we often realise.
The feelings we suppress don't simply disappear.
They remain.
Over time, they can turn into frustration, resentment,
or a persistent sense that something isn't right.
Back then, I often felt dissatisfied with my life.
But I couldn't understand why.
Why wasn't I happier?
Why did I always seem to be carrying some kind of frustration?
Eventually, dissatisfaction became normal.
I blamed circumstances.
I blamed other people.
At times, I even directed that frustration towards my former husband,
the person who was closest to me.
Of course, living between cultures isn't easy.
The challenges were real.
But looking back now, I don't think the people around me were the whole story.
The deeper pain came from somewhere else.
I wanted to live more honestly as myself.
Yet I had spent years pushing that part of me aside.
And perhaps the hardest part is that I didn't even realise I was doing it.
What I Was Really Afraid of Losing
The feelings we push down do not simply disappear.
They remain within us, sometimes taking the form of anger, frustration, or loneliness.
And often, that frustration finds its way outwards.
It may appear as anger towards others, criticism, disappointment, or resentment.
But looking back now, I do not think anger was really at the heart of it.
What was underneath was something much simpler.
A desire to live more honestly as myself.
Looking back, I do not think the struggle I experienced while living abroad
was only about cultural differences or language barriers.
It was also about continually putting other people's needs, expectations,
and comfort ahead of my own feelings.
Little by little, I lost touch with parts of myself.
And over time, that distance from myself became a quiet sense of dissatisfaction
that I could not fully explain.
Back then, I was trying very hard.
Trying not to lose my place.
Trying not to be disliked.
Trying to make things work.
But what I truly needed was not to try harder.
What I needed was to be a little more honest with my own feelings.
Perhaps what I was most afraid of losing was not other people's approval.
It was the ability to live as myself.
🌿 A Small Step for You: Free 30-Minute Online Session
Living abroad can sometimes lead us to lose sight of what we are truly feeling.
We become so focused on coping, adapting,
and carrying on that our own needs quietly fade into the background.
You don't need to have everything figured out before reaching out.
You don't need to explain things perfectly.
And it doesn't have to be a serious problem.
Sometimes it can simply help to have a space
where you don't have to carry everything on your own.
If you feel, even quietly, that you would like someone to talk to,
you are very welcome to get in touch.
[🔽 Book your free 30-minute online session here]
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